I don’t know how many times I’ve been called a raging feminist because I’m single–you know, just another one of those lies about older, single women that people love to tell. And I wish the church was different, but they can actually be worse.

Oftentimes the church gets super caught up in this Proverbs 31 woman as being the ideal, right? Not so terrible. She is married, works all day for her family and children, sells her wares, cooks, and does all these nice things. She doesn’t sound soooo terrible. Let’s not totally dismiss her. A lot of women in that era were probably doing all the same things as her.

However, a lot of people were also probably Jael’s, too. Or Deborah’s. Deborah was advising. Jael had no problems driving a nail through the head of Sisera. I mean, there were fighting women out there. They looked at the world differently. People rejoiced about their victories and celebrated them.

So where did we go wrong?

When did celebrating the strength of women become something terrible? When did we decide that women were something frail and fragile and weak?

Well, I don’t have the answer (because I’m no historian), but I will say, I’m glad to be accused of being a feminist. And if that’s why I’m considered single, I’m totally fine with that!

The Other Lies about Older, Single Women

But being called a raging feminist just for being single isn’t the only way people try to marginalize us. We’re called angry. We’re called rebellious. We don’t dress right. Are we lesbians? The church often questions if we’re possessed by a demon or not faithful enough. Oh yeah, that’s always a good one.

One of my favorites is that we’ve been sinful in the past, so this is God punishing us. Oh, really? So, all your fooling around in college then…your wife is punishment for your pre-marital sex? Hmmm.

Yeah, I can be a bit snarky, too. Probably another reason why I’m not married. It’s just not “feminine” enough.

I’m sure many of you have had people offer you their thoughts and prayers when you’ve told them you’re single…like you’re at a funeral or just found out your dog died. And the way they pale when you tell them you’re happy being single! The HORROR!!

Plus the Many Insults Galore

Those are just the insults we’re given when we admit to being single at our age, because you know the church expects us to be married no later than the day after we graduate college. Now you also get the guilt and the sadness, like they’re a parent or something.

Why would you want to die alone? They never like my answer that we all die alone. Or, don’t you want a man to protect you? Oh, they reallllly love when I go into rape statistics.

And then there are the women who just can’t be alone. Like it is some unfathomable thing to do things on your own or to think for yourself. Like, who is going to help you decide who to vote for? Well, that just makes my blood boil.

I know you’re reading this and probably thinking, “Yep, heard that. Ooooh, I’ve heard that, too!” And I know for sure there are some I’ve missed. I think I probably go to some pretty “liberal” churches, so I’d be interested to hear what backwards lies you all have heard from people in your churches. Feel free to comment below or share in the Facebook group!

I’m not going to lie here, but it took me a while to find the joy of the single Christian life. Getting saved in my late 20s, I was ready to go save the world one person at a time, and I was going to do it with my Christian husband by my side. Why? Well, because that’s what the church told me was the right way to live my life. According to them, it was the only way to live the Christian life. We get saved, we get married, we have little Christian children–and the cycle continues.

Did any of that happen?

Absolutely not.

And I’m soooo much better for it.

The Christian Single Life’s Joy Gets Stolen

Finding joy in the single Christian life didn’t come easy, because the church steals it from us. Honestly, we get one narrative. So prepare yourself, because here’s the negative part of this post! I get really frustrated with how hard the church works at drilling this marriage narrative into everyone’s heads.

Really, I don’t know that I was ever meant to get married. I’ve tried to picture myself with a husband. In my dreams he was always a blank, bland, blurry thing. I chalked it up to God just not being ready to give him to me yet.

After many prayers and much soul searching, I realized that it wasn’t God not dropping a man in my lap. It was that I was meant to be single. I was trying too hard to fit myself into the church’s model of what my life should be rather than living out God’s plan for my life. My unhappiness and frustration was because every year I got older I felt more and more like a failure and a pariah. I just wasn’t fitting this picture perfect Christian woman persona.

It was making me so bitter, and I was getting turned away from the church.

Finding Freedom in the Christian Single Life

Ah, but here comes the better part of finding the joy in this Christian single life, because we don’t have to live in the parameters that any church outlines for us. We just need to live by what God wants for us. We have to live by the words that Jesus speaks. Once I started realizing that, I found so much more freedom.

I look more now at life with joy. I have my own time. My own space. I don’t look at the world like I have to find a husband everywhere I go. I felt this pressure lift and waft away. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t meant to get married, and I wasn’t going to have kids.

Scandalous, I know!

But I was so much happier admitting it. I found myself again, because I wasn’t trying to live up to this lie that the church had built up. I went places on my own. Hung out with single people and didn’t look for a man the entire time (or lamented about being single all night). I enjoyed the company for their company. I dated, but didn’t put the pressure of marriage on every date. It was so much more FUN.

I don’t believe Jesus meant for us to lose the fun in our lives. We need to have joy–and that also means finding the happiness in the Christian single life. We can embrace the singlehood. Bathe in it. Love it. It’s an amazing place to be.

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